I am listening to Oprah and Dr. Perry’s new book, What Happened to You? In the book there is a lot of talk about how significant the first two months of a child’s life are. When trauma happens in these first two months, it can play a more significant role than trauma that takes place later in life over a prolonged period.
I found this fascinating because that is an extremely challenging time for parents, in particular new moms. If parents are unable to properly care for and nurture their newborns, for whatever reason, the child may suffer for the rest of his or her life without the proper trauma therapy.
I am sure there are many cases of this trauma going unseen particularly in this time of pandemic when normal supports are not available the way they may otherwise be. Also, stress is high everywhere, adding to the ups and downs many women experience after childbirth. I went through postpartum depression and was not even aware of it until I felt like myself again, over a year later. I did not have help and was afraid to ask for it from friends and family who did not live near me. I did not feel like I should inconvenience anyone. The only person really offering to help was my mother who was more needy than a newborn. How does someone ask for help with the unknowns of a pandemic? How does a mother feel safe bringing someone into her home?
I bring up this topic because a major focus of this blog is spreading kindness. 
We all know, or at least have heard, that it takes a village to raise a child. It does and we, as a society, have made parents believe it is not okay to ask for help despite help being the norm since the beginning of time. Communities would raise kids rather than just the immediate family.
Asking for help is hard, particularly for new parents. Do you know someone who has recently, or will soon give birth? I would like to challenge everyone who knows someone in this situation to do something kind for them. Here are a few suggestions:
- Cook them a freezer meal or two.
- Get them a gift card for a local house cleaning service.
- Get them groceries.
- Send them a pizza or delivery of their preference.
- Give them a gift card for their favourite restaurant.
- Offer to clean for them while they go out to do any errands or to go for a walk.
- Offer to walk with them in a socially distanced manner.
- Call them on the phone just to talk, letting them know that if they need to hang up for any reason, you are okay with that and will try again within the week.
- Ask for their errand list and pick up the items they need.
- Drop off diapers (if they use disposable).
- Offer to drive them to their next wellness appointment or vaccination.
- If they are comfortable, offer to watch the baby while they take a shower or have a nap.
- Offer to have socially distanced coffee on their porch, balcony, patio, etc and bring the drinks and snacks.
- Offer to take out the garbage and do the dishes.
- Offer to do a load of laundry.
- Offer to fold the laundry.
- Pull the weeds in the garden and help plant for the season.
- Give a gift card for online shopping.
- Give a gift of an online exercise class (if they have talked about wanting to do this) and then join them for the class.
If they have pets or other kids, offer help there. Maybe you can take the kids to the park while mom deals with the baby. You could offer to walk the dog or clean the poop in the yard or wash the dog. You could change the litter box.
When I say offer, I mean be clear that you are coming over and are going to help. If they are comfortable with you in their home, then you do not wait for an okay to clean, you just do it. If this person is not someone you are as close to, then go for the errands, gift cards, morning coffee and donuts drop off, or meal drop. Those who have been there know the energy drain that occurs in the final trimester and the first months (or 10 years) of having a kid. Just show up with the stuff and leave it on the doorstep if necessary.
As you know, I am all about giving cards, but those are not what someone needs in that moment. They need help. The child needs mom and dad to be in a good head space and as rested as can be. For parents to be able to give their all, they need to look after themselves. It is difficult to ask for help so do not make them ask. Tell them your plans and if you notice that they are more anxious with you around, find another way to help.
Your unsolicited advice is not necessary. Help is not giving advice where it is not requested. Help is giving of yourself without expecting anything in return. You can ask if they would like your advice on a particular topic, but if they say no, then respect that decision. There are millions of books, experts, and opinions on the best way to care for babies. If you have a good resource, pass it along, but no judgment if they do not use it. You are there to help, not to add stress to their lives. Simply be kind. 
Parents need to feel support, not just a visit to see their kid. They need you to respect their boundaries about touching and holding the baby while still doing the dishes. You should not expect to hold a baby that is not yours as a reward for doing a kind deed. The weight you lift off the parents should be gift enough. Your respect of their boundaries will mean more than you can imagine, and they will likely remember the gesture when they think of you. The smile that it will elicit in the memory will help the parents to bring that joy to there kids long after you leave.
Some things seem so small, but I would have given anything to have a shower whenever I wanted in that first 6 months. Maybe having a clean kitchen when I got out of the shower, knowing my kid was okay the whole time I was gone, would have helped release my anxiety. All I know is that every child needs healthy parents. Healthy parents are better equipped to raise healthy kids. By healthy I am referring to mental, physical, and emotional health. If you can spread that kindness to them, then maybe we can reduce the incidents of the trauma that some babies and young children must endure.
Challenge yourself to find a new or soon to be parent and spread some kindness their way. Anything small will do. You are trying to give them something to release some pressure and something to make them smile. Spread a little kindness today!
